The Words That Get Stuck
Have you ever had that moment — wanting to try something new with your partner, but the words just get stuck in your throat? Afraid they might misunderstand, fear of rejection, or simply not knowing how to bring it up?
You’re not alone. According to sex therapist Martha Kauppi, the longer you’re in a relationship, the more unavoidable it is that preferences and desires will change. This isn’t a sign that something’s wrong — it’s actually proof that you’re both still growing.
Step 1: Start with the Positive
“It’s important to make this conversation a positive experience for your partner, so don’t lead with complaints,” says Kauppi. “Start with what you like: ‘Remember that time when we did…? I loved it so much. What was it like for you?'”
First, evoke a shared positive memory. Then make your request: “Would you be interested in doing it again sometime? Because I sure would.”
6 Expert Tips for the Conversation
- Make It About You, Not Them: Say “I’m finding that this feels a little too sensitive now. Can we explore some new things together?” You’re not saying you don’t want them, just that you don’t want this anymore.
- Make Exploration a Joint Project: “I like our routine, and I want to add something new to the repertoire so it can be spicy.” Do some research together — watch, listen, follow sex educators on social media.
- Choose the Right Moment: Don’t bring it up in the middle of intimacy. Find a neutral setting when everyone is well-rested, fed, and in a good mood.
- Use a Yes/No/Maybe List: Each person fills one out separately, then come together with a clean third list. See where your “yeses” match up and talk through the mutual “maybes.”
- Your Body Can Talk Too: Gently take your partner’s hand and move it to where you want it. Then give a very vocal confirmation. “That would be a very effective, noncritical way of communicating.”
- It’s an Addition, Not a Replacement: “Just because you want to try something new doesn’t mean you’re not happy with what you have. You just want to add to what you already have.”
The Road Trip Metaphor
Two in the Driver’s Seat
In a long-term relationship, sex is like a long road trip. You get to change the itinerary as you go along, stopping wherever seems like the most fun place to linger.
The Important Thing
The important thing to remember: there are two of you in the driver’s seat. The wheel is in your hands — and in theirs.
Your Highlight Time deserves to be talked about.
